i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
