Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
