I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
