Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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