I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
