'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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