why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
