I skipped work to stalk him.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
