I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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