Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
