wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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