just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Oh god it's open bar.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
