Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
