I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
