I like to think it a success when the cops are called
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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