as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
