Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
