I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
