I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
