I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
