I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
