I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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