I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
