so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
