I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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