I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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