can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
