i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
