God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
