I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
