At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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