Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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