we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
