I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
