opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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