So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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