.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
