No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
