Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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