My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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