Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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