After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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