Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize