i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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