she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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