I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
