I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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