Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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