he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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