The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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