I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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