I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
